


Seduce me with your cock jokes

by Rigo



Category: 19天 - Old先 | 19 Days - Old Xian
Genre: Fluff, Funny, Humor, M/M, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-10
Updated: 2019-10-10
Packaged: 2020-12-07 13:11:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20976440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rigo/pseuds/Rigo
Summary: Written for a tumblr prompt: He Tian cooks for Mo Guan Shan for once.---Mo Guan Shan was already done with the sauce when he realized that He Tian still stood in front of the open fridge, staring inside.“The hell?” he spat. “Get working!”“I might have a problem,” admitted He Tian, closing the fridge door. “I’m out of eggs.”“You’re what?” Mo Guan Shan screeched.“Are they that important?”“For Egg Foo Yung?” Mo Guan Shan threw his hands up, raging. “That’s eggs with gravy! What do you want to do – sip the pure gravy out of a bowl?”





	Seduce me with your cock jokes

„I don’t think it’s supposed to be purple.”

He Tian turned away from the poisonous-looking concoction on the stove to glower at Mo Guan Shan.

“Didn’t I tell you not to intervene?”

“I tried to, but I think I heard your sauce screaming from the back of the room,” said Mo Guan Shan, imitating a high-pitched scream, “Help me! Help me! Even though I’m literally only three ingredients mixed together, I have become sentient in my pain!”

He Tian had to stop stirring the sauce, which immediately turned into a lump of slime at the bottom of the pan. He couldn’t believe Mo Guan Shan. Did he want to _die_?

His incredulous look was met with a bratty raise of the eyebrows.

“What?” said Mo Guan Shan. “Did you spend all that time talking me into a date only to knock me on the head with a wooden spoon? Because I _will _go home!”

“It’s the alcohol!” He Tian realized after a second. “Alcohol makes you brave?”

Finally, the well-known fiery-red skin-color that usually decorated Mo Guan Shan’s face returned. 

“It’s not the alcohol! I’m not an easily blushing teenager who’s afraid of you!”

He clearly swallowed the ‘anymore’ on his tongue. 

“Oh, but you see – you’re mistaken,” drawled He Tian, sporting the lazy grin he knew would drive his little redhead up the wall. “This is not a date. If it were, I wouldn’t be cooking for you.”

“You’re right,” said Mo Guan Shan, fighting to gain his composure back. “This is more like… torture? What do I owe the mafia, what will it take to keep you from feeding me this poisonous, flesh-eating lump of gravy?”

He Tian refused to show his surprise again. He was starting to enjoy this snappy version of Mo. 

“You asked for this,” He Tian reminded him. “And I’m only indulging you because you somehow found a way to cheat at basketball, and-“

“There is no way to cheat at basketball,” said Mo Guan Shan. “I won because I actually still play it in my free time, whereas you are too busy skinning politicians alive.”

“Don’t make stupid assumptions about my job.”

“Don’t think you’re still superior to me. The way I see it, you’re a grown man who is starting to lose his youthful fitness, still lives in his uncle’s apartment, and can’t cook for shit.”

He Tian had no words for that, so he just stared, waiting for Mo Guan Shan to falter under his evil eye. The wooden spoon he was holding fed thick, syrupy droplets of gravy to the linoleum floor. Mo Guan Shan tried his best to return the stare, but his face was still red, and he probably had to fight the urge to toss the wooden spoon into the sink and clean the floor. 

“Will you have my babies?” He Tian finally asked.

“Wh- what?”

“I’m serious, I think you just gave me an erection.”

Mo Guan Shan spluttered incoherently, trying his hardest not to look down He Tian’s body to check if it was true. The red hue on his face intensified until it was practically black. 

He Tian grinned, pleased. There was his little redhead. So grown up, but still as cute as always. 

“I thought this wasn’t a date,” Mo Guan Shan finally coughed. “So keep it in your pants.”

“I don’t know if I can. You keep being so bold and sexy.”

Mo Guan Shan finally tore the wooden spoon from his hand. “Shut up!” he said, turning towards the sink to hide his face. “Let me take care of the sauce. You can make the eggs. That’s even easier. Even you should manage.”

“Okeydokey,” sang He Tian, happily turning towards the fridge. It had been hard work to get Mo Guan Shan this far – even though he still blushed just thinking about He Tian’s erection, he had admitted that he saw this as a date. After all these years of pining, He Tian might just start to see the finish line in the distance. 

Mo Guan Shan was already done with the sauce when he realized that He Tian still stood in front of the open fridge, staring inside.

“The hell?” he spat. “Get working!”

“I might have a problem,” admitted He Tian, closing the fridge door. “I’m out of eggs.”

“You’re _what_?” Mo Guan Shan screeched.

“Are they that important?”

“For _Egg Foo Yung_?” Mo Guan Shan threw his hands up, raging. “That’s eggs with gravy! What do you want to do – sip the pure gravy out of a bowl?”

“It’s basically a soup,” said He Tian, mostly to rile Mo Guan Shan up even more. Unfortunately, that just led to his ‘date’ stomping away to grab his jacket.

“I’m going home,” he announced. “I still have perfectly good leftovers in my own fridge.”

“Wait!” He Tian grabbed his hand. “It’s okay, I can get us some eggs.”

“It’s too late, all the shops are closed!”

“That’s okay, I have my connections…”

Mo Guan Shan stared at him, yanking his hand away. “Are you serious?” he blistered. “Don’t use your weird mafia family to get_ eggs_! That’s just creepy!”

He Tian needed a moment to understand Mo Guan Shan’s line of thought. “What? Of course not – I mean, I have a completely off-the-rails crazy neighbor who keeps a flock of hens in his apartment.”

At least that was weird enough to make Mo Guan Shan stop in his tracks and turn away from the door. 

“You what?”

“Old man, on the ground floor. Must have inherited the apartment, because he’s poor, I think, or he just likes selling eggs. Anyway, I’m sure he has some fresh ones, I’ll go get some.”

He walked past Mo Guan Shan, out the door towards the elevator to show that he meant it. Mo Guan Shan followed, but took his jacket off to make sure He Tian knew he wasn’t running off.

“You’re joking, right?” Mo Guan Shan said on the elevator ride down. “We’re just doing the normal thing and ask any normal neighbor to borrow an egg.”

“Do you know me as a big joker?” He Tian asked. 

“I mean. I have like a thousand dick pics you sent me as a joke.”

“Didn’t know how to come on to you back then.” He Tian shrugged. The elevator dinged and the doors opened. 

Mo Guan Shan followed a step behind He Tian as if he were trying to hide from the crazy hen-person.

“He’s not gonna eat you,” He Tian chuckled as he rang the doorbell. “Wait a minute…”

The door opened just as He Tian turned to Mo Guan Shan and loudly exclaimed, “You kept my dick pics?”

A punch in the arm was his only reward. That and the old crazy hen-man’s furrowed brows.

“What do you want this late?” he croaked. 

“My friend here doesn’t believe that you keep a flock of chickens in your apartment,” said He Tian, pointing his thumb towards Mo Guan Shan, who moved even closer to hide behind his body. “Can you show him?”

“Couldn’t you just ask for the eggs?” Mo Guan Shan whispered angrily, but the old man had already opened the door and motioned for them to come inside. He Tian entered the apartment, barely containing his glee. The incredulous, “What the fuck?” behind him was so good, it sent shivers down his spine. Too bad he couldn’t see Mo’s face right now.

“Is this… allowed?” Mo Guan Shan wondered aloud, looking around at the interior. Couch, bed, tables and open cupboards – everything had been taken by the hens. A whole wardrobe was converted into a chicken coop with different floors, completely covered in hay. There were nests with fresh eggs in them. 

Mo Guan Shan had forgotten to be wary of the crazy chicken man and walked through the apartment in silent wonder. He Tian was content just to watch him. 

“How is there no shit anywhere?” he asked after a while. 

The old man turned from where he was bent into the wardrobe to gather some eggs. “Taught them to use the litter box,” he grunted. 

Mo Guan Shan received that information without blinking an eyelid. There was no room for more bewilderment.

“You wanna see somethin’ special?” the old man asked. He Tian thought it sounded a little suspicious – like he was going for the ‘want to look at my bunnies?’ shtick. But Mo Guan Shan had thrown all caution out the window.

“More special than this? Hell yeah!”

The bunnies weren’t even that far off in the end. He Tian followed the two into the bathroom, which emitted an eerie red light. Not even that scared Mo Guan Shan off. He Tian silently congratulated himself on a successful date. This was so much better than going to the movies.

“In there,” said the old man, pointing to the bathtub. The constant peeping spoiled the surprise before they actually saw the baby chicks under the heat lamp, but Mo Guan Shan still gave a soft gasp.

“What the fuck!” Those words had never been whispered so gently. “They’re… they’re so small!”

“Touch one,” said the creepy old man. He Tian sent him an icy glare – it wouldn’t hurt to turn the rapey-ness down a notch. But Mo Guan Shan happily grabbed for a little chick and held it in his hands. 

“And so soft!” His face relaxed in one of those extremely rare, memorable moments. He Tian almost stopped breathing, just watching him.

“Yeah, I’ll have to flush that one down the toilet,” grumbled the old man, effectively flushing the nice moment down the toilet. 

“What?” Mo Guan Shan screeched.

“It’s a cock. I only need one of those.”

“So you flush it down the toilet?” Mo Guan Shan protectively laid a hand over the chick, as if to cover its ears. “It’s just a little baby!”

“That seems cruel,” He Tian agreed. “You could at least give it a quick death. Wring it’s neck or something.”

“He Tian!” Mo Guan Shan screeched again. Then, suddenly, his eyes turned pleading. “We can’t let it die! Let’s take it to your apartment!”

He Tian blinked, not sure if Mo Guan Shan was serious. 

“Why? To cook it?”

“Of course not! To save it!”

He was about to say no. He really was. It was the stupidest idea he’d ever heard. But a far-away memory, the echo of a puppy-dog’s howling rang in his ears, and he just couldn’t. 

“I’ll sell it for a thousand yuan,” the old man tried. He Tian’s glare shut him up.

Turning back to Mo Guan Shan, he said, “But only if you say it.”

“Say what?”

“Say: He Tian – I want you to take my cock. I want you to pet it and kiss it and care for it. I want you to let it grow. I want you to-“

“This is no time for making cock-jokes!” Mo Guan Shan yelled, still covering the chick’s ears. He paused a moment to glower at He Tian. 

He Tian waited patiently.

“Please take my cock,” Guan Shan finally ground out.

With a feeling like he hadn’t really thought this whole thing through, He Tian started to beam. “Great! We’ll take him!” He turned to look at the old man. “And I’ll take a carton of eggs. Here are forty yuan.”

The man took He Tian’s money with a shrug, went to fetch a carton of eggs and shooed them out of the apartment.

“Next time, don’t wake me up!” he warned, slamming the door shut.

“What a miserable guy,” said He Tian. He turned to look at Mo Guan Shan when he heard a soft ‘ouch!’

The chick had shat all over Mo Guan Shan’s hand and was now pecking at his fingers. He Tian watched him struggle for a while, then sighed.

“You’re already regretting this, aren’t you?”

“No!” Mo Guan Shan said, clearly lying. “It’s just nervous, because we just took it from its friends and home!”

“Its home was a bathtub.”

“Whatever,” he said and entered the elevator. He Tian followed behind, pressing the button for his floor, ignoring the sounds of pain coming from his date.

Mo Guan Shan managed to hold back until they stood in front of He Tian’s door. Then he finally caved.

“Hey. Would you… Any chance you’d like to hold my cock?”

He Tian opened his door with a grin.

“Anytime, my love. Anytime.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Bonus 1)

“I’ll kill him!” He Tian groaned, pulling up the blanket to cover his ears. “And I hate you!”

“Wow, you’ve gotten a lot less suck-uppy now that you’ve actually managed to fuck me, huh?”

“Fuck off!” He Tian mumbled through the thick blanket, which still wasn’t able to drown out the cock’s incessant crowing. “And learn some words! And for fuck’s sake, silence your shitty pet!”

The mattress moved under Mo Guan Shan’s weight as he climbed out of the bed in search of the bird he had saved four month ago. 

Or rather; that he had talked He Tian into saving. On that day, He Tian couldn’t have known how horrible that decision would turn out to be. Sure, the remaining evening had been great. They had built a little house for the chick out of cardboard, paper and a table lamp. They had eaten a great Egg Foo Yung which Mo Guan Shan had cooked (they both agreed that He Tian would never be let loose in a kitchen ever again). And although the amount of noise the chick had made had seemed impossible for such a small thing, they had both been able to ignore it long enough to have very special and _great_ sex.

Unfortunately, as the chick had grown, so had the noise. And now it started to wake them up with the most sinister cock-a-doodle-doo He Tian had ever heard.

The third crow had him toss his blanket to the side to stomp into the kitchen in search of a frying pan to flatten the monster bird with. Unfortunately, Mo Guan Shan had rearranged everything as soon as he had moved in and now He Tian couldn’t find it fast enough before two arms wrapped around him and a warm, naked body pressed against his back.

“Relax,” Mo Guan Shan said, pressing his face between He Tian’s shoulder blades. “I fed him. He’s quiet now.”

“One of these days, I’ll throw him out of the window just to see if it’s really true that chickens can’t fly!” He Tian grumbled, but he felt the anger seep out of him with every second their bodies were touching. “I’m telling you – that bird is possessed by a demon!”

“That’s just how roosters are,” Mo Guan Shan said.

“No, I’m serious! It has a murderous glint in its eye. Did I tell you about how I came home the other day and saw it on the kitchen counter with a knife in its beak?”

“Yeah, I still think you’re over-exaggerating.”

“It’s true! The big steak knife!”

“I don’t think She Li would be strong enough to hold that up. And how would he have gotten in the drawers?”

He Tian turned in Mo Guan Shan’s embrace to give him a serious look. “I’m just saying. If you ever come home to find the rooster a bloody mess on the floor, it was only because I wanted to protect you.”

“Noted,” Mo Guan Shan said, leaning in to kiss He Tian.

He Tian closed his eyes, happy to let himself be wrapped around Mo Guan Shan’s little finger. Maybe he was stupid to let a murderous, noisy rooster live in his apartment just because his boyfriend had a soft spot for animals.

But.

For Mo Guan Shan? 

He Tian would even let a She Li live in his bathtub, no questions asked. Because it was true love, baby.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Bonus 2)

He Tian was still fuming when he opened the door to their apartment. It had been a long and strenuous day at work. Most days were. But to top it all off, this morning, after being as rudely awoken as always, he had found his favorite jacket in pieces on the floor. And not just that – it was covered in shit.

Mo Guan Shan had left for work already and He Tian hadn’t gotten up to feed She Li, and this was the result of the rooster’s rage.

Had it not been the exact date of their 6 months anniversary, He Tian would have finally made good on his promises and wrung the bird’s neck.

“Welcome home!”

Mo Guan Shan’s voice finally managed to calm He Tian a bit – that and the delicious smell coming from the kitchen.

“You cooked?” he asked, peeking around the corner, where Mo Guan Shan was just finishing up a salad, still clad in his stained apron that looked so cute on him.

“Yes,” Mo Guan Shan said. “It’s my anniversary present for you.”

“Okay?” He Tian said, hanging up his jacket and slipping out of his shoes. “It’s not like that’s a rare thing, though.”

“Are you complaining?”

“Would never,” He Tian grinned. Then he saw the table. “Wow! Looks like a feast!”

“Took me a few hours,” Guan Shan admitted. “I’m done now.”

He put the salad on the table, put the apron away and produced two wine glasses and a bottle of red wine from the pantry.

“Fancy,” He Tian commented. He sat down and accepted the glass Mo Guan Shan poured for him. “This day is really taking a turn for the better.”

“I saw the mess,” Mo Guan Shan said. “Sorry about that.”

“Let’s not think about it for a moment.”

They clinked their glasses together.

“To six happy months. They were only like five years overdue,” He Tian said. 

“If you had sent me less dick pics, I may have gotten curious earlier.”

“Ouch.”

They both took a sip, sighing contently. 

“Well… I hope you enjoy the food,” Mo Guan Shan said. “This took a lot of work.”

“It smells delicious.” He Tian reached for his cutlery to take a tentative bite from the meat off his plate and immediately leaned back in bliss when the flavors hit his tongue. “Are you kidding me? This is the best thing you ever made! What the hell?”

“I won’t reveal my secrets,” Mo Guan Shan said, hiding his smile behind his wine glass, which didn’t really work, since it was see-through. “Now just shut up and enjoy.”

“Oh, I will!” He Tian said, leaning forward again to take another bite. “Speaking of shutting up – it’s so quiet around here. How did you get She Li to shut up? Did you take him to the crazy hen-man for the night?”

Mo Guan Shan just shrugged his shoulder and cut a piece off the delicious chicken-breast on his own plate. “Yeah, something like that,” he said, smiling again.

“Something like that.”

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on [tumblr](https://rigonelli.tumblr.com/) :)


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